Thankfulness

The past couple weeks have been an adventure for me. Hard on some levels and definitely eye opening. Matthew was able to attend a men's retreat (Man Camp) with his dad a couple weekends ago. While I was glad he was able to go, be refreshed, spend some quality time with the Lord and with his dad, it opened my eyes to a couple things that I need to work on as a wife.

The first thing that I have had to repent of is resentment. The week leading up to his retreat I kept catching myself with these thoughts-
"I hope he appreciates the fact that I am going to be parenting the boys all by myself this weekend so he can go have fun,"or "When is it going to be MY time to get away for a whole weekend to relax."

Instead of cutting these thoughts down as soon as they popped into my head, I allowed them to sit and fester. To grow into feelings of resentment, selfishness and self pity. Not pretty Rachel, not pretty. 

The weekend was hard for me on many levels. My youngest was really clingy and needy because he didn't understand why Daddy was gone, I was hormonal and much more irritable and emotional then normal AND I was allowing my thoughts to be focused on myself and my "sacrifice" on my husbands behalf.

As you can imagine by the time Matthew got home Sunday night I was a crying, ugly mess of a woman. I took myself off to our bedroom, shut the door and confessed to the Lord that I did not handle my sinful thoughts in a Godly way. How thankful I am that the Lord was and is gracious and compassionate with me during times like these. Times when I massively fail. Times when I choose to savor my sinful thoughts instead of killing them dead. Times when I turn my focus off of Him and others and onto myself.

Having him gone all weekend sure opened my eyes to how much I need and value him at a husband and a father. I truly appreciate the way he actively fathers our boys. Most nights after dinner you can find him upstairs playing with the boys, talking with them about how much Jesus loves them and how much we love them. He enjoys taking them out on adventures and introducing them to new things. Both boys sure love their dad!!!

It also revealed to me just how much I count on him. He does so much around here. He makes me laugh when I am feeling down, he pitches in around the house and he help keep my focus on Jesus when I get stuck focusing on earthly things.

Even though the weekend was hard for me, I am so glad he was able to go.The time was refreshing and relaxing for him. He came home with some good ideas on ways we can parent and love our boys better. He had some fun, quality time with his Dad and some other friends from his childhood. Even though my attitude wasn't great most of the time he was gone, the Lord still blessed the weekend. 

I am truly thankful for my husband and have been trying to make the effort to tell him more often just how much I appreciate him. Especially for the little things that he does. I know for me, it is always nice to hear from my family or friends that they are thankful for something I have said or done for them. Our home is much more joyous when we all choose to be thankful for each other as well as the many blessings the Lord has gifted us with.

When was the last time you told your spouse you were thankful for something they did or said? I challenge you in the coming weeks to go over board in giving out thanks to your spouse. Show that you really do appreciate them!

Commitment

I wanted to start by saying thank you all for your support, encouragement and prayers. This blog has reached more people then I ever thought and I have been getting a lot of positive feedback which is encouraging!!! My desire is to challenge, encourage and support those of you who want to build a more healthy, Christ centered marriage!

My last post was scary for me to write and put onto the internet. While I know I am not the only one who struggles with technology addiction, sometimes I have felt alone in this struggle and unsure what to do about it. I want to report back to you all that it is getting a bit easier each day. It has also helped to be accountable to someone else. My friend checks up on me several times a week. She also tells me she is praying for me in this and that encourages me a ton! I have found that my time on the internet is easier to control then checking my phone and responding to texts. I have been trying hard to not respond until the boys are busy playing or sleeping but sometimes I have failed. I think a period of fasting and praying might help me in this struggle so that is my goal this week. For those of you who regularly text me, please expect for my responses to be slower then normal at times.

Ok lets move on to what I have been thinking about lately! If you have been married for more then a year or two, you know that there are times when you don't feel love for your spouse. There have been periods in our marriage where I have not been "In Love" with my husband or even been "In Like" with him. It hurts to say it but its true.

Usually these periods of time occur after a disagreement or a time of increased stress for one or both of us. It is during times like these when the World will tell you to divorce. If you don't feel love for someone then its time to move onto greener pastures. Since marriage is "all about love" and the feelings love bring, if those feelings are gone then move on. I would like to say that I have never had these thoughts before but that would be a lie. There was a period of time in our marriage when life was hard and all I wanted to do was to run away.

"What made me stay," you might ask? Two things- The Holy Spirit and Commitment. When I think about the word commitment it also makes me think of the word VOW. In the Bible, marriage is a Vow between two people. Marriage is a picture of Christ and the Church and because of this fact, marriage is to be a lifelong commitment. Now Christ is perfect and we are most definitely not which is why we need His help every second of everyday. When we find ourselves and our marriages in periods of struggle and hurt, it is so important to fix our eyes on Christ and remember that He has committed/vowed Himself to us and will enable us to keep our vow to our spouse. 

I think one of the most attractive things about my husband is that I know he is 100% committed to me and I can say the same. Even though I might not be "in love" with him every day of our marriage I CAN say that I am fully committed to him as a sister in Christ and as his wife. 

When we enter into times of struggle, miscommunication, stress, hurt, etc... it is so easy for me to start thinking of our marriage as just a partnership. In partnerships both parties pull their own weight. Each person does their "part" to make things work. This isn't how healthy, Biblical marriages are suppose to work. We have to get it out of our heads that as long as we each do our role, then things will work out. There has to be more, much more!

As I was running early this morning, I had a lot of time to think about our vow and commitment to each other. I also had time to reflect on my relationship with Christ. Christ loves me regardless of what I do or don't do. As His child there is nothing I can do to earn His love either. I still don't fully understand how He can love me that way but slowly I am getting a better understanding of this truth. When I find myself thinking of our marriage in terms of a partnership it fails because I put the focus on what we are each doing and the feelings, positive or negative that come from that. When I remember that our marriage is a picture of Christ's relationship with the Church and it isn't dependent on what I do or don't do, or what Matthew does or doesn't do, it brings a new level of trust and commitment. We realize that there will be times the other person can't give as much or vise versa. 

When those feeling of love aren't there and we want to run away or pretend that nothing is wrong, we have to remind ourselves that Christ's love for us is unconditional and just because we might not feel loved by Him or close to Him, Christ is always right there waiting for us to renew relationship with Him. My prayer for myself and for you this week is to remember that even thought the feelings of love might come and go in marriage, that Christ will strengthen us to keep our commitment to our spouse. It is only with the help of the Holy Spirit that we can walk through those seasons of hurt and struggle. By keeping our focus on Christ and remembering to let Him meet our every need, it allows our spouse the freedom to be the imperfect person that they are. The same goes for me as well.

Unplugged

This post is going to be a challenge for me in more ways then one. You see this idea has been one that I have been wrestling with for a long time now. It is one that is going to take great self control to accomplish because if I am really honest with myself, I have to admit that I have an addiction. 

I can trace the start of my addiction to a period of time two and a half years ago when Austin was born. We had recently purchased a Ipad and while I was nursing Austin I would sit down and search the internet. When you nurse 8 times a day for 30-40 minutes that adds up to a lot of internet browsing. 4 hours a day plus other times I would jump on to look up a recipe, check out Facebook, check the news, etc....

My addiction is technology/Internet.

I log on to escape doing chores. I log on to escape the demands that motherhood bring, I even log on to escape having conversations/spending time with my Husband. Man when I write it out it sure sounds and looks ugly doesn't it?

A couple weeks ago when I committed to praying for my spouse and my marriage every day, the Lord was faithful to reveal this ugly truth to me. I was not just getting online to veg out and relax after a long day but I was also doing it to avoid the "work" required to make a marriage strong.

So last week I reached out to a close friend of mine and asked if she could help keep me accountable to spending only 30 minutes a day browsing online. I have had a couple days where I have failed but I have also had successful days and that has been encouraging to me.

Matthew and I went to a parenting class yesterday at church and the topic of getting rid of the unnecessary things in life that distract us from being fully present with our children came up. I was convicted yet again of the countless times I have told my children to wait for something because Mommy needed to send this text, send this email, look up this certain thing, etc....

While I realize that spending time on the internet isn't necessarily a bad thing, the amount of time you spend and who is neglected in the process can have eternal consequences. When I die and my husband and children think on memories of me, what do I want them to remember? I certainly don't want them remembering me always with my phone in my hand or staring at the computer screen all day long. I want them to remember that I was always talking about Jesus, His love for them, how much I love them and how we can love and serve others better. 

I have made a decision to drastically cut back on the time I spend checking my phone and doing things on the internet. Especially in the evenings after the kids go to bed. Matthew and I can both easily zone out and be in our own little internet world all evening which obviously isn't healthy. It also doesn't encourage communication or intimacy which are both vital components to a healthy and happy marriage.

"So how are you going to cut back?" you might ask. I will check my phone when I wake up to see if I have any messages and then put it away until after Austin goes down for a nap. I will check it again and respond to any messages. I won't look at it again until after the boys go to bed and then I will only spend 30 minutes or less an evening responding to messages, looking up something, viewing Facebook, watching YouTube, etc... I know this  might sound drastic but I need to put a lot of bounderies on myself right now. If people really need to talk to me they can call right?

I am looking forward to seeing the positive changes that will take place in my family over the next few weeks and months because of these bounderies. I am praying that in time, my addiction and desire to escape reality will fade and that my desire to spend more time with the Lord and with my family will increase (not that I don't desire those things now, I just know it can always be better!)

Thanks again for reading! As always my prayer is that at least one person reading will be encouraged or challenged to make changes to better their marriage. I also think its important to know that other people struggle in areas we do as well. When we are vulnerable and bring to light the areas that hold us captive, we experience freedom, grace and allow others to know they aren't alone.

Prayer Warrior Wife

So how did this week go for you? Did you have fun thinking about your dating days and planning what special something to do with your spouse this week? I sure did!

Like I mentioned in my last blog post, Matthew's birthday was this week and we headed to Portland for a date night on Thursday. Benihana's was super yummy and we go there once a year because they give a $30 off voucher during your birthday month. My birthday is in December and because the month is usually crazy anyways it is hard to find time to go for my birthday. We usually just go sometime in March to celebrate Matthew's. 

Dinner took longer than I thought it would so we didn't get a lot of time at our special spot. It ended up being ok though because it was a clear night, super cold and really windy :-). We basically jumped out of the car, walked up to the top, sat down on the bench, looked at the view for a minute, kissed and then walked right back to the car. We were both freezing. Didn't realize how much I would love the heated seats in our new car but man it sure comes in handy when the weather is cold :-).

As I was praying last week and this week about what I could do to improve my marriage, the Lord laid on my heart one word- PRAYER. I will admit that I am not in the habit of praying for Matthew or our marriage on a daily basis. When our relationship is going smoothly, I find that I don't pray about it very much. When we hit times that are challenging, hurtful and hard, I tend to pray about it multiple times a day. Anyone else like that?

I realize that prayer is a powerful tool and there are certain things that I constantly pray about but why do I not add my marriage as one of those things? I have looked up a few verses on prayer and wanted to share them with you. 

Matthew 7:7  “Ask, and it will be given to you seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.

Ephesians 6:18 praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints,

Philippians 4:6-7 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

These verses remind me that prayer should be something I am constantly doing and about everything. I love that the Lord speaks to us not only through His Word but also through prayer. 

Back when I was in College and for a few of my single years I used to keep a prayer journal. I have been spring cleaning my house this month and I came across my hope chest which hold all of my most sentimental possessions.  I decided to purge my hope chest of a few things in order to make room for some new things I want to add to it. I happened to come across a few of my old prayer journals. I took a couple minutes to open them up and scan the pages. It was so awesome to see the many ways the Lord has been faithful to me and my prayers to Him. Almost all of the prayers that I had written down the Lord has been faithful to answer. Some not in the way I had wanted at the time but for my good in the long run.

I tell you that story because I think it would be good for me to start keeping a Marriage Prayer journal. My mind can tend to wander during prayer and writing helps me focus my thoughts. The great thing about writing down your thoughts/prayers is that you can look back years from now and see how the Lord answered that specific request.

Some of you might not need a prayer journal to stay focused and that is totally ok. The goal here is to commit to praying for your spouse and marriage daily. I might not write in my journal every day but I am committing to praying everyday for either my spouse and/or our marriage. 

I love quotes and found a few good ones on prayer. So I will leave you until next week to mentally chew on a few saying on prayer. As always, thank you so much for reading!

Don’t pray when you feel like it. Have an appointment with the Lord and keep it. A man is powerful on his knees. ~ Corrie Ten Boom

 “The function of prayer is not to influence God, but rather to change the nature of the one who prays.” -Soren Kierkegaard

“We tend to use prayer as a last resort, but God wants it to be our first line of defense. We pray when there's nothing else we can do, but God wants us to pray before we do anything at all. Most of us would prefer, however, to spend our time doing something that will get immediate results. We don't want to wait for God to resolve matters in His good time because His idea of 'good time' is seldom in sync with ours.” - Oswald Chambers

 "No learning can make up for the failure to pray. No earnestness, no diligence, no study, no gifts will supply its lack." E.M. Bounds

Back to the Future

Before I share what I am challenging myself to do this week, I think it would be good for me to talk about how last week went. Lets take a moment to read again 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 ESV

⁴ Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant ⁵ or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;⁶ it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Reading through this passage everyday and taking some time to study the actions of love was incredibly beneficial and yet challenging for me. Some days I was able to read first thing in the morning and other days it was the last thing I read before bed. I am so glad the Lord gave us this passage of scripture!

I want to be totally honest and transparent with you. While I could do better in all areas mentioned in these verses (couldn't we all?) there are a couple actions that deep down I struggle with in my marriage. The first one is patience. I don't think it is by chance that patience is the first action of love mentioned. Patience has always been something that I have struggled with. Even as a little girl I can recall times when my parents would tell me over and over to practice patience for something I wanted :-).

We had dinner with some friends this week and were sharing with them something we have been praying about. I mentioned that I am confident the Lord will direct us in this decision so I don't feel stressed but I am feeling impatient. Of course my flesh desires for my husband to come to the same decisions as I have but in reality I know that the Lord could very well change my heart to be more like my husbands. We will not move forward if we both aren't on the same page and therefore I am forced to be patient. They mentioned that we are in the process of actively waiting and I really appreciated hearing those words. 

ACTIVELY WAITING. 

It implies that we are still actively seeking the Lords will but waiting for Him to give us a like-mindedness. For those of you who struggle with Patience like me I'm sure you can think back on a time or two (or fifty) when you lost your patience with your spouse and made a wrong decision on your own or caused an argument that could have been avoided. Lord please help me to be patient with my spouse and actively seek you when I am struggling.

The second action that stood out to me this past week was being irritable. As a woman I have found myself in the past quickly reading past this action. I mean as women we have an excuse every month as to why we can be irritable right? Wrong. Even though, just like clock work, three days before I start I find I am super emotional and become irritated by the simplest of things I still must submit my emotions to the Lord. Every thought must be taken captive, 2 Corinthians 10:5.

For Matthew and I it seems like being irritable with each other comes and goes. We will be calm and gentle with each other for a few months and then all of a sudden, WHAM! He even looks at me funny and I want to lash out. Usually we have found that taking some time to communicate with each other about the stresses of life on a regular basis helps with this but it still creeps into our relationship. My new prayer is that when I start to feel irritated, I will go straight to Matthew so we can pray together. Praying together always seems to bring understanding and peace to our relationship.

What were the things that stood out to you? I always find that when I ask the Lord to open my eyes to something in His Word, He is faithful to do that. Even though it is painful to see things clearly about yourself and your sin struggles, it is the first step in bringing it under submission to Christ.

Ok, I am going to change gears here and focus on the challenge for myself this week. Like I mentioned last week a song came on the radio that immediately took me back to our dating days. It is always fun to think about that time in my life :-). Remember when you had that giddy, excited feeling knowing you were going on a date?! I would spend the day thinking about what I was going to wear, how I was going to style my hair and what type of makeup I wanted to wear. Well I want to get in the habit of dating each other again even though we've been married 9 years!

Up until last year we were able to go on one date a week(have the boys grandparents for thank for that!). I know that once a week might seem like a lot but we have needed the uninterrupted time to have fun together and enjoy deep and meaningful conversations. Maybe sometime I will share some of the trials we have walked through together but for now I am just so grateful that we were able to consistently have that time together. We try to do a few family date nights now and one or two date nights for us a month.

Very early on in dating, Matthew and I thought it would be fun to switch out who planned our dates. He would plan a date one week and I would plan a date the next. It ended up being a really fun way to get to know each other better. He introduced me to the fun of International Cuisine and I usually planned something that involved some type of outdoor activity. Once we got to know each other better, I started looking at reviews for different ethnic restaurants in Portland because I knew he would enjoy trying a new restaurant and he started planning "surprise" adventures because he learned how much I enjoy surprise outings.

There is a certain park within walking distance of the house I grew up in that we used to walk to quite frequently. We always had really good conversations while we walked there and when we got to the park(which was on the top of a hill overlooking the city of Portland) we would sit down on a bench and enjoy the view. Many special events ended up taking place at that park for us. First kiss, first I love you and that ended up being the place he proposed to me on Christmas Eve 2005! 

His birthday is this week and so we are going to head to Portland for a fun date night. I am going to surprise him by taking him back to where our relationship really started! So my challenge for you is to think about a special place, outing, meal, song, etc... that you enjoyed while you were dating your spouse. Maybe you used to text each other funny quotes or sweet notes every day and that hasn't happened in a while. Whatever it may be, do something that will remind you both of your dating days. Thank the Lord for that fun time in your life as well as thank Him now for the partner in life He has given you. If your marriage is struggling and this is something hard to do, remember that we are called to love our spouse even when we don't feel it or aren't receiving love in return. Maybe a written note is all you can do this week, reminding them of a time when your relationship was healthy and fun. 

If you feel like it, I would love to hear about the dating experience you plan to recreate this week. I am always looking for fun date ideas and I am sure others do as well :-). Thanks again for reading and I plan on posting again next Sunday!!!

 

The Marriage Challenge

Sometimes in life you get an idea and it just will not leave your mind. Ever have a thought or idea like that? Well for me this thought began earlier this year. Back in January it really hit me that this year my man and I will be celebrating our ten year wedding anniversary. How has the time gone by so quickly?! I mean, I am reminded every anniversary that the time is flying by but to be coming up on ten years of marriage together just feels like a huge milestone to me.

My original thought/question to myself was something like this- What more can I be doing to help make our marriage the strongest it ever been this year?   Every few days or so the thought would hit me again. Well after church today I was washing some dishes, listening to country music and I just had to do something more with this thought of mine. You see, as I was scrubbing away the grease on a white serving platter a song came on the radio and it immediately took me back to the days when Matthew and I were dating.Funny how music will do that. One moment you are scrubbing dishes and the next you are driving down the road, holding hands with your boyfriend and singing away to Mark Wills :). Thinking back to a time when every red light was a good time to kiss each other,deep conversations were much more frequent and all I could think about was the next time I would see him. 

So here I am sharing my thoughts with you to not only encourage and challenge you to be pouring into your marriage but to also hold one another accountable as well. I realize some of us are in marriages that are doing well, others of us might be in marriages that are struggling and others of us might just be on autopilot, not really doing badly but not flourishing either. Take a moment to think about how you and your spouse are doing as a couple. Can you both be completely honest and vulnerable with each other? Do you look for ways to encourage your spouse to know Jesus more? Do you still enjoy spending time with each other or do you find ways to avoid one another?

Some challenges will focus on the spiritual aspect of marriage and others will focus more on the practical things we can each do to love each other well. In all things our mission and focus will be on loving our spouse the way Scripture encourages us to. We can only learn to love well by following in the footsteps of The One who IS Love. Jesus Christ! 

So my challenge for this week is to take at least 5 minutes each day to read and study 
1 Corinthians 13:4-7. There are 14 things mentioned that love does. I suggest reading through this passage each day and then taking more time to study two of the actions of love. 

Thanks for reading and coming along on this adventure with me! My hope is to put up a new post each Sunday!